llamas with hats full script 1-¹²

Paul : Carl, there is a dead human in our house.
Carl : Oh, hey, how did he get here?
Paul : Carrrllll, what did you do?
2) Carl : I don't kill people. That is-that is my least favorite thing to do.
3)
Paul : Tell me, Carl. Exactly what you were doing before I got home.
Carl : Alright, well I was upstairs.
Paul : Okay.
Carl : I was, I was sitting in my room.
Paul : Yes.
Carl : Reading a book.
Paul : Go on.
Carl : And uh, well this guy walked in.
Paul : Okay.
Carl : So I went up to him.
Paul : Yes.
Carl : And I, uh stabbed him 37 times in the chest.
Paul : Carrrlll, that kills people!
Carl : Oh, oh, well I-I-I didn't know that.
Paul : How could you not know that?
Carl : Yeah, I'm in the wrong here. I suck.
4)
Paul : What happened to his hands?
Carl : What's that?
Paul : His hands. Why-Why are they missing?
Carl : Well, I uh, I kind of cooked them up and ate them.
Paul : *silence* Carrl.
5) Carl : Well I uh, I was hungry and, well you know, when you crave hands...
6)
Carl : My stomach was making the rumblies-
Paul : Carl-
Carl : That only HANDS would satisfy.
7)
Paul : What is wrong with you, Carl!?
Carl : Well, I kill people and I eat hands, that's two things.
Llama-Ugh Carl, what on earth was that  Carl- Um, I’m not sure what you’re referring to  Llama-You sunk an entire cruise ship Carl  Carl- are you sure that was me? I would think I would remember something like that  Llama-Carl, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captains face  Carl- That sounds dangerous  Llama-you were head butting children off the side of the ship  Carl-That, that must have been horrifying to watch  Llama-Then you started making out with the ice sculpture  Carl- Well thank god the children weren’t on board to see it  Llama-Aww Carl, why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?  Carl-well I guess you could say it’s all red and sticky  Llama-Carl, what are we standing in?  Carl-would you believe its strawberry milkshake?  Llama-No I would not believe that  Carl-Melted gumdrops  Llama-No  Carl-boat nectar  Llama-No  Carl-some of gods tears  Llama-Tell me the truth Carl  Carl-Fine, it’s the lovely elderly couple from 2B  Llama-Carl!!!!!  Carl- Well they were a, they were taking all the crescent rolls  Llama-I can’t believe what I’m hearing  Carl- I will not apologize for art  Llama-where are the other life boats?  Carl- whoa, you won the prize. I didn’t even notice that  Llama-where are the other life boats Carl?  Carl- Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean. I bit lots of holes in them  Llama-Carl!!!!!!  Carl- I have a problem, I have a serious problem  Llama-You are just terrible today  Carl- shhhh, do you hear that? That’s the sound of forgiveness  Llama-that’s the sound of people drowning Carl  Carl-That is what forgiveness sounds like, screaming and then silence  El Fin!! P:CARL! We're supposed to be on vacation!  C:I Don't know about you, but I am having a wonderful time here.  P:You toppled a south american government, Carl.  C:The people have spoken, VIVA LA RESISTANCE.  P:You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan.  C:He was a traitor and a scoundrel.  P:He was trying to stop you from pushing other people into a giant fan.  C:Oh, that was a foot. I appear to have swallowed an entire person.  P:That would be the hotel bartender.  C:Well, that explains why my mohito is taking so long.  P:It was horrifying. Your mouth unhinged like a snake.  C:Wow, that sounds pretty awesome.  P:I can't go anywhere with you, carl.  C:That hurt my feelings. Now we're both in the wrong.  P:I wanna go home. We're leaving.  C:In that case, I should probably mention that I filled our luggage with orphan meat.  P:What.  C:Well, I'm building a meat dragon, and not just any meat will do.  P:You know what, forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore.  C:Aw, that's no fun.  P:This has become the norm for you carl.  C:I'll have to try harder next time.  P:Please don't.  C:I feel like I've been issued a challenge.  P:CAARl.  C:It's too late now... You.  P:You?  C:I totally Don't remember your name.  P:We've known eachother for 3 years carl.  C:And what an impression you've made.  P:My name is Paul.  C:What.  P:I said my name is Paul.  C:Oh. I thought you were a woman.  P:Why would you think that?  C:Mostly the Hat. Are you sure?  P:Of course I'm sure.  C:Well, If you'll excuse me, I've got some pictures I need to delete from my computer. 1 Carl, you've tracked mud all over the carpet!  2 Now that right there is a mess...  1 I just had it cleaned yesterday, Carl.  2 I'm not responsible for this - I've been jamming on the saxophone all morning.  1 They're clearly your hoofprints, Carl.  2 Then there is an imposter on the loose! 1 They lead directly to you!  2 Clue number one: The imposter is a phantom.  1 Carl, stop avoid- *BOOM!*  1 CARL!  2 Happy birthday!  1 It's not - please tell me you had nothing to do with this.  2 Why don't you blow out your candle?  1 You've gone too far this time, Carl.  2 What? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city.  1 How did you even do this?  2 A dollop of fairy dust.  1 Carl-  2 I ripped the tag off a mattress.  1 This isn't funny.  2 Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people who just exploded.  1 I'm leaving. I've had enough of this.  2 But think of all the perfectly roasted face we'll get to munch on now.  1 What? Why?  2 Because we're friends. And friend ship is two pals munching on a well roasted face together.  1 That isn't friendship, Carl. That's sick.  2 Well, then you're probably not going to like your birthday decoration.  1 It's not even my - Oh my God.  2 Surprise!  1 Oh... oh no. Aww...  2 I'm sorry, I thought you liked faces. Obviously there's a mis communitcation. 1 This is awful, Carl.  2 You're right. It's not nearly as tasteful as I pictured it in my head.  1 I think I'm gonna throw - oh, one just touched me.  2 This was clearly not the way to go.  1 Ya think, Carl?  2 What can I say? I expected them to be cooked more. Raw face is just gross.  1 But that isn't the problem, Carl! Why would you think any of this was a good idea?  2 Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence. 1 oh.  2 I don't understand how you keep forgetting that. Paul- Carl! I know you've done something

Carl- Whatever do you mean?

Paul- You've always done something. It's a lovely day out, we're having a good time. What have you done?

Carl- You mistake me for some sort of scoundrel.

Paul- Carl! 

Carl- I am a respected member of the community… to even insinuate__

Paul- Okay Carl, so what did you do today?

Carl- Well let's see, I washed the car.

Paul- Uhuh

Carl- I made a donation to the local girl scout troop

Paul- Sure

Carl- I returned an overdue movie at Blockbuster

Paul- What else?

Carl- Hmmm, I stepped on a ladybug by accident.

Paul- Go on.

Carl- And… I baked some banana bread for our neighbor Pat. I believe that's it. Done.

Paul- That's it…

Carl- That's all I did today… (a crack in space time happens) Ohhhhhh....

Paul- Carl! What is that?

Carl- I may have forgot to mention one of my activities.

Paul- Carl!

Carl- I apologize, that was wrong.

Paul- Explain Carl!

Carl- Well from here it looks like a weather balloon.

Paul- I'm not in the mood for this.

Carl- I think it's just a lens flare and some dust.

Paul- Just tell me Carl.

Carl- Fine, I may have created a crack in space time. Through which to collect millions of baby hands.

Paul- Huh.

Carl- What do you mean huh?

Paul- I think I was expecting worse.

Carl- Worse? But this is totally fugged bro.

Paul- I know but after last time with the nuke and the faces, it's just…

Carl- Come on, look at this. How did I even do this?

Paul- I don't understand how or why you do anything.

Carl- Do you know what it feels like to be Carl right now? It hurts. Not as much as the babies but it hurts.

Paul- Uh, Carl.

Carl- What?

Paul- Why are there only hands from white babies?

Carl- Well, you know, whities gotta pay.

Paul- Ah

Carl- And the payment is baby hands. Carl: aren't you going to say it?

Paul: say what Carl? 

Carl: THAT! My name! All offended and annoyed!

Paul: I'm leaving Carl. 

Carl: What?

Paul: I'm moving out.

Carl: it's the meat conveyor isn't it... You never were a fan of modern home design.

Paul: it's a lot of things Carl!

Carl: just let me explain! (Beat) efficiency, industry, never before has so many dead bodies been so manageable.

Paul: Carl!

Carl: I'm the Henry Ford of human meat.

Paul: I've already packed, I'm not coming back.

Carl: awe, come on! We haven't even gotten to the big surprise yet

Paul: I'm sure it's very upsetting.

Carl: well, now I don't even want to show you...

Paul: good! I don't want to see it

Carl: and your being a huge b hole right now.

Paul: I'm not the one shoving people into a meat grinder!

Carl: it's not a meat grinder, it's an orphan stomper!

Paul: gross!

Carl: do you know what's gross, your attitude.

Paul: are you serious?

Carl: what have I done to deserve all this b hole coming out of your mouth!

Paul: it's everything Carl! It's everything you've done! Ever!

Carl: everything? Even the time I helped Mrs. Bixby with her garden?

Paul: you buried her there!! 

Carl: it's what she would have wanted.

Paul: you buried her alive!

Carl: she wasn't keeping up with the weeding! As president of the homeowners association, I had to take immediate action!

Paul: all you do is kill people Carl!

Carl: that's like saying all Mozart did was write songs.

Paul: you are completely insane!

Carl: oh, weird! That's what all these orphans said!

(Big rumble and the room shakes. A roar is then heard)

Paul: is that the surprise...?

Carl: (angry and holds out words) no...

Paul: that looks like a meat dragon, did you finish your meat dragon, Carl? 

Carl: (holds out words and is still looks away mad) maybe...

Paul: (beats then sighs) it's horrifying Carl...

Carl: (a bit flattered and loosens up) thank you. Sheep: (wearing a Paul mask) mmmmrrraaaaahhh!!!!

Carl: who me?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: what ever could you be referring to?

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh the hand chair. I've recently taken up carpentry.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: oh, how would you feel if I called YOUR work a  monstrosity.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: of course I had to use faces! Anything else would be disrespecting the art!

Sheep: mrah mrah raw mrah rawr raw raaaw!!

Carl: it's called modernism, only I've made it more modern by using face parts of city council members!

Sheep: mrrrraaaaah-mrah!

Carl:  I disagree with the election results

Sheep: mrah!!

Carl: someone had to take a stand! I'm patriot, and a hero!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: fine! If your going to whine about it, I can sew them back on.

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah! 

Carl: I think their bodies are still in the blood canal...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!!

Carl: yes, I'm the crazy one, but not the people who elected those buffoons!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mraaaaahh!!

Carl: if you paid any attention to our city charter meetings, you would see it wasn't an over reaction.

Sheep: (sits down) mrrraaaah!

Carl: (beats) what are you doing?

Sheep: mraaaah!

Carl: (beat and gets angry) you're sitting...

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you never sit

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: you're always standing Paul! You're not supposed to sit.

Sheep: (lays down) mrah!

Carl: I find this very upsetting. 

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah raw raw raw!

Carl: you don't even care, do you? About MY feelings!

Sheep: mrah mrah mrah mrah!

Carl: will you please stand up, paul

Sheep: (does a handstand)   mraaah???!

Carl: I don't even know who you are anymore...

Sheep: mrah raw mraw mraw!

Carl: no you cannot take off the mask, it has to look right when throw you into the meat canal. Carl: (has Paul mask around his neck) Paul, you home? Ding dong! (Guy accent) Landlord! (Accent of sloppy teenage boy) pizza delivery! (Hero voice) fire department! (Annoying voice) bank manager! You have an appointment!

Paul: what do you want Carl? 

Carl: I want to be treated like a friend Paul.

Paul: we're not friends anymore!

Carl: didn't you get my apology piano?

Paul: pianos aren't supposed to bleed and scream!!

Carl: I guess it less a piano and more a statement on pianos.

Paul: why don't you go horrify someone else Carl?

Carl: I miss your grumpy face. And the mask I made hasn't worked. It's just not grump enough.

Paul:... You made a mask of my face...? 

Carl: yes and speaking of which, you might want to avoid being seen by federal investigators...

Paul: Carl!!!

Carl: to some you are now known as Nikolai Sponigouph. Leader of the Russian Obion Cardell! 

Paul: Go home Carl, I'm calling the police

Carl: bad idea Nikolai! And you know there isn’t a prison I can’t nibble my way out of.

Paul: I’m dialing.

Carl: oh, come on! I have nowhere to go! I burned my house down once it had enough swans inside! Then I used the rest of my savings buying the swans!

Paul: And whose fault is that?!

Carl: society! Society and the swans!

Paul: (whines) Carl? Please! I gave you every chance I could, I- I just can’t do it anymore!

Carl: what if I got you… ten million dollars cash.

Paul: you don’t have ten million dollars, Carl!

Carl: I buried a large chest of double-loons once. I could go dig that up.

Paul: no, Carl.

Carl: It was either that or my zoobooks. Either way, a lot of something in buried in a hole somewhere.

Paul: I’m putting on music Carl, I can’t listen anymore.

Carl: rude...

Paul Mask: I am sorry, flesh-me is so ungrateful Carl.

Carl: And after all we’ve been through, it’s scandalous I must say.

Paul Mask: You do wonderful things and deserve appreciation.

Carl: It’s okay… he’ll come around. As soon as the swan piano arrives.

Paul: (honking is heard, a crash, and piano keys) CCAAAARRRRRRRLL!!

Carl: you’re welcome! Paul Mask: Caarl, I can't believe you. 

Carl: uh-oh, what I have I done this time? 

Paul Mask: you killed someone and chopped them up and they are right here on the floor, Carl.

Carl: I didn't do that. Why would you- Why would you think I would you did such a thing?! 

Paul Mask: Caaarl!! All the blood and the- the pieces.. Y-You murderer! 

Carl: I-I think I would of remembered uh-uh, dismembering someone and putting all their bits on the ground right here, that is not the sort of thing I would usually forget about.

Paul Mask: CAAARL! I hate chu Carl, I HATE CHU! 

Carl: Oh, watch it, now who is being hurtful, you Paul, YOU. 

Paul Mask: (says in a robotic voice, sounding like the dead Paul) Caaaaaaarrl... 

Carl: Who said that? 

(The Paul mask begins to float off the tree and the pupils of the mask begin to go to a glowing red) It is me, Caaarl. 

Carl: Paul?? 

Paul Mask: Yes, Carl. 

Carl: Y-you came back... 

Paul Mask: You must finish your work, Carl. 

Carl: My work? 

Paul Mask: There is so much to do, we mustn't dawdle... 

Carl: You said you weren't coming back.. 

Paul Mask: Caaaaaarrl.. 

Carl: Yeah? 

Paul Mask: Caaaaaaaarrrll... 

Carl: I don't know what I am suppose to say.. 

Paul Mask: (Says angrily, beginning to yell very loudly) CAAAAAAAAAAARRRL!

Carl: (Angrily says with a bit of a harsh tone, kind of yelling) What?! 

Paul Mask: (says calmly and with now a soft voice) What are you planning, Carl? 

Carl: I am kinda just free styling it these days, taking things as they come. 

Paul Mask: You are better than that Carl, your better... 

Carl: (says with confidence) I am, aren't I? 

Paul Mask: You're Carl..

Carl: I am Carl! 

Paul Mask: Caaaaarl... 

Carl: That's me!

Paul Mask: CAAAAAAARRRRRL!!

Carl: (says with his usual voice) You sure like your yelling..... (Echo of Paul's voice)
CAAAAAARRRLLL.
CAAAAAARRRLLL.
Paul: You need to get out Carl you are in grave danger.
Carl: Where are we?
Paul: I'll find a light Carl.
Carl: Okay...
Carl: Oh it's my gore pit.
Paul: You had a terrible fall Carl.
Carl: I..I think my legs are broken.
Paul: You're in danger you need to get out. 
Carl: How long have I been down here, it feel like a long time.
Paul: Your work isn't finished Carl you have so much more to do.
Carl: I don't know if I can move Paul.
Paul: You must act quickly something is down here with us.
Carl: That's probably the basilisk he won't bother us the stupid thing only eats chipotle!
Paul: It grows closer.
Carl: Are you always this creepy Paul?
Paul: I'll go find some rope.
Carl: And some neosporin too.
Paul: CAARRLL!
Carl: I know it's all laughs with Carl.
(Some strange noises occur in the gore pit)
Carl: Paul...was that you?
Carl: Maybe it's my stomach making the rumblies.
Carl: Hungry for hands remember that Paul?
Carl: Paul?
Paul: CAAAARRRLLL.
Carl: Couldn't find the rope?
Paul: I'm sorry Carl you'll need to do this yourself.
Carl: Well that's a bummer.
Paul: CAAAAAAARRRRRRLLLL.
Carl: That's not gonna work I'm in a too bad of a mood.
Paul: CAAAARRRRRRRRLLL.
Carl: Alright...oh hey how did all these bodies get down here? 
Paul: You killed these people Carl.
Carl: Collecting piles of human is my least favorite thing to do.
Paul: CAAAARRRRLLL.
Carl: I am a rascal just a no good trouble maker and that's me. Paul mask: CAAAAAARRRRLLLL.
Carl: I guess I'm done.
Paul mask: You must complete your work Carl.
Carl: There is nothing left to complete it's all gone.
Paul mask: CAAARL.
Carl: I'm done Paul!
Paul mask: CAARRRRRRL.
Carl: Why are you still yelling at me!?
Paul mask: You must complete your work Carl.
Carl: All the hands are eaten, all the meat creatures are made,unleashes and also eaten.
Paul mask: CAARRRRRRL!!!!!!!
Carl: Yes it was very upsetting.
Paul mask: I can't believe you Carl.
Carl: Do you remember the blood vortex in Paris?
Paul mask: CAARRRRRRL!!!!!!
Carl: Yea...that one was my favorite.
Paul mask: CAARRRRRRL.
Carl: You know what I don't even think your Paul.
Paul mask: Of course I am Carl.
Carl: I think your a liar and a cheat.
Paul: You must finish your work Carl.
Carl: I'm gonna find the real Paul.
Paul mask: CARRRRRRRL!!!!!!
Carl: I don't think he is gonna be very pleased about all this stuff I've done.
Paul mask: It's almost time.
Carl: Remember the orb thing with all the nerves it would shock people beneath their skin?
Paul mask: Yes Carl.
Carl: Paul is going to be really upset to learn that I made that.
Paul mask: Your almost done Carl.
Carl: When I find the real Paul I bet he's going to be the most mad at you.
Paul mask: CAAARRRRL!!!!!
Carl: Identity theft, that's a felony.
Paul mask: CAAARRRL!!!!!
Carl: Yelling also a felony.
Paul mask: CAAAAAAARRRRRRRRLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
Carl: PAAAAUUULLLL!
Paul mask: (angrily) CAARRRRRRLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Carl: (angrily) PAUUUULLLLL!!!!!!
Paul mask: (Angrily) CAARRRRLLLL!!!! Carl is seen at Paul's destroyed apartment

Carl: Paaaaul! Paul, are you home? Paaaaaul? 

Paul Mask: I'm right here, Carl. 

Carl: No, you're not. You're not Paul, you're an imposter!

Paul Mask: Caaaaaaaaaarl!

Carl: STOP IT!

Paul Mask: You must finish your work, Carl.

Carl: Paaaaaul! Paaaaaaaaaul!

Paul Mask: You're almost done, Carl.

Carl: I'm coming in, Paul! I'm sorry if this violates your restraining order, but it's important!

Carl is walking in the apartment

Carl: Paaaul? Paaaul?

Carl sees Paul's dead body - nothing but a mere skeleton with a hat.

The mask has gone inactive.

Carl: (Says very sadly) Oh...I-I guess you're gone.

A slideshow begins of the destruction Carl has caused - buildings are destroyed, homes are wrecked, and the blood vortex Carl has mentioned earlier is hovering over the Eiffel Tower.

Carl is at the top of a destroyed bridge, standing at the edge.

Carl begins speaking to himself in both his and Paul's accents while sobbing.

Carl: Caaaaaaaaarl!

Carl: Oh, heeey!

Carl: Caaaaaarl!

Carl: I didn't do that!

Carl: Caaaaaarl! CAAAAAAAARL!

Carl jumps off the bridge and drowns.

Carl's hat starts to float in the water and then very slowly starts to go very deep into the ocean